One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
