So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
