Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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