we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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