I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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