Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
