i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
