Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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