Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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