turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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