my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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