I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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