Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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