Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
