Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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