I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
