I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
