you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
