she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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