In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Come on in and take your pants off
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