I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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