dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
