He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
