I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
