Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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