I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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