Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
