allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
