I'm lost and stupid without you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
