Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say