He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
