it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
