He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
