I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
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Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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