I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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