Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
