Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
