this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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