Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
