Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
