the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
