We're like a lot better than the average bears
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
