Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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