I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
