I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
