it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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