Sry I called you an 8
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
