The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
