I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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