I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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