I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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