Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
