if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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