then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
should my penis look like a turkey
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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