my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
