I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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