We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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