who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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