I should be sponsored by Trojan
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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