Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
