is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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