i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
