i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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