Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
